I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
giddy up Office Depot
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
where do you see yourself in five years?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”