I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.