I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
The Joker was right
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
where the womens at?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?