I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

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*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*


“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names


Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.


You get about 20 good minutes when you get raspberries home from the grocery store before they go bad.


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no


I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.