I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.