I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
<—- homeless romantic