Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
congratulations to them
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason