I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
FRED: right
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.