I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside