Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
You’ll be OK
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING