I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Its a hippotatomus
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.