I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged