I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Children of the corn 🌽
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?