I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.