@Darlainky

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

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@jackiembouvier

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@wife_housy

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@rockymomax

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.