I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
You Might Also Like
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.