I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*seductively corrects your posture*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.