I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t


“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]


ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.


Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land


“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.


husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it


“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”


Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage


replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground


Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”