I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy