I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
found my next D&D character name
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower