I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.