I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?