I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.