@E_lok44

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

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@Sickayduh

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

@Spaziotwat

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

@T_Bonezzz_

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

@Chumpstring

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.