I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.