I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
me doing my best
Sign at work today
christening a ship with an overripe banana
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.