I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

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ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!


No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up


You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.


[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”


Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating


Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way