I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.