I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.