I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.