Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.