I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
#Caturday
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips