@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

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@roggyie

I save money on condoms by not getting laid.

@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@LABeachmom

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

@Bandersnaaatch

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

@jakewhitacre

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn