I save money on condoms by not getting laid.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
good work, everybody
I left the womb for this?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn