I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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How it started: How it’s going:
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Netflix and you sit over there.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.