@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

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@minkpinkustink

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

@iGreenMonk

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

@necrosocks

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

@leslid79

Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.