I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

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I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.


Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.


An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.


Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie


if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger


[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what


First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick


When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”