I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.


Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?


I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.


Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA


SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery


The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.