I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
At Walmart during the holidays like..
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
LOOOOOOL
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me recordaron éste meme
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Happy Taco Tuesday