I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
it was love at first sight
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count