I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Don’t we all.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.