My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.
Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test
Me: so you mean…
Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”