I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?