*praying for world peace*
God:
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.