@ellorysmith

I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value

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@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

@WookieInMyPants

Me: Can I leave early?

Boss: Why?

Me: Death

Boss: Who died?

Me: No one yet

Boss:

Me:

Boss: Get out

@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

@HenpeckedHal

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

@TheCatWhisprer

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.