me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like