I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here


Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?


HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness


[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title


A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.


Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf


To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri