@LoveNLunchmeat

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

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@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@StewieTea2

Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?

@Mr_Kapowski

HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness

@thestlouisan

[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@hippieswordfish

when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title

@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

@daemonic3

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri