@LoveNLunchmeat: I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I'm looking for magic.
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@NewDadNotes: Me: I bought an elephant. Wife: how much did it cost? Me: I don’t rem- Elephant: $32,872. Wife: Me: Elephant: I have an excellent memory. Me: but he was on sale! Wife: were you? Elephant: no.
@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy Me: Okey dokie, let's-a go! Wife: You're doing Mario Me: Sorry Wife: I didn't say stop
@WilliamAder: Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
@TheCatWhisprer: Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.