I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino