I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Good morning.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
no one ever comes back
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.