@JVarsityCaptain

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

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@thepaulahunt

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@roywoodjr

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.