I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.


Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous


Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.