I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Rooting for the overdog
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ