I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
You Might Also Like
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?