I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.


Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together


Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…


I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.


My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.


I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…


If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.


I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars


Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…