@dumbbeezie

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

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@9GAG

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

@ThugRaccoons

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

@TheBoydP

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@IncredibleCulk

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

@djdarrellripley

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…