I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
It’s the weekend y’all
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Rambo Rambow
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
then why did i get this email
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.