I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.