I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You Might Also Like
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling