If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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dutch is not a serious language
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
What if the weather talks about us?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner