How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Noted.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down