I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
an octopus is just a wet spider
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?