Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
You had me at “define legal”.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.