@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@redheadedhuzzy: I live in a small town. Someone called my mom and told her they saw me trying to buy alcohol at the grocery store. I’m 41.

@badbanana: What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@OreoSpeedwagon_: After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.

@vonny_bravo: Ah, Boxing Day. When your house looks like it slept with it’s makeup on.