I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
me: [making a chicken salad]
chicken: thanks i love salad
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible