@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

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@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@daemonic3

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@JillBidenVeep

Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

@SteveSuckington

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@KyleSmells

me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad

@CutCopyPasta

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@VeganZebra

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible