“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
(Musicians.)
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.