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@FunkyFresh_79: "I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!"
-me, trying to put a crib together
@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself.
I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
@redheadedhuzzy: I live in a small town. Someone called my mom and told her they saw me trying to buy alcohol at the grocery store. I’m 41.
@badbanana: What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
@OreoSpeedwagon_: After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.
@vonny_bravo: Ah, Boxing Day. When your house looks like it slept with it’s makeup on.