Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@flaskofwhiskeyy

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.

@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@Elizasoul80

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@Gupton68

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *