“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.