I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

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Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.


Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”

Her: “What kind of cheese?”

Me: “American…”

Her: “Want it toasted?”

Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”


[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?


All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.


The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.


Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.


It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale


My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.