Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?