I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*frowns in Scottish*